Affair counseling in Pittsburgh, Monroeville, PA for Christian women and Christian couples
The answer to this question depends on a number of factors. Here are two common scenarios. While this is not an actual story, it is a composite of a familiar scenario that plays out in homes day after day and eventually leads the hurt, confusion, and devastation that causes wives to seek me out for therapy.
Steph was blindsided when she came across texts on her husband’s phone that were flirtatious with one of his co-workers. When she confronted him about this, he told her that he wanted out of the marriage. He had been hiding an affair for nine months and when asked about it, he at first denied the affair, but he then came clean about where he’d been spending his time rather than at work like he’d told his wife. Steph was shattered. She begged him to reconsider, fearing for the effects his leaving would have on their kids, and promising that she would fix whatever she did wrong.
Sue, on the other hand, was drying the dishes when her husband sheepishly sidled up to her and asked if they could “talk.” She could tell by the concern in his eyes that this was not going to be a carefree and fun discussion, so she stopped what she was doing and followed him to sit down together. He looked terrified, but he confessed that he had been tempted to stray, meeting another woman for dinner on occasion, and spending the night one time when his wife thought he was on a business trip. He says that he can’t live with himself, that it’s eating him up inside, and that he will do whatever he needs to do to be able to regain his wife’s trust. Sue is crushed, but wonders if she can believe him, and she hopes that she can.
Both women are faced with many racing thoughts, feelings of anxiety and panic, fear, and confusion. “What will people think?” “How will we tell the kids?” “Is this my fault?” “What do I do now?” and a hundred other questions enter into the picture.
What is a wife to do?
Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Is he willing to talk with you about what has been going on and possibly consider working to repair the relationship in any way, or is he saying he is done?
Are you taking responsibility for things that really are his issues?
Is he blaming you rather than taking responsibility for his part in things?
Has he cut ties with the other woman, or is he still texting her or defending his right to stay friends with her?
Is he repentant, meaning that he is willing to own up to his sin and do what is necessary to rebuild your trust and heal your heart?
Is he concerned more about how this is impacting you rather than about the feelings he had that led him to seek out someone else’s attention?
There are many reasons that men have affairs. These can be sorted through and addressed in therapy, if a man is repentant, and a wife is willing to attempt a repair to the relationship. However, what cannot be fixed through therapy is the heart of a man who is unwilling to change and who continues to make sinful choices without regard to the consequences.
You may want to consider couples counseling if:
Your husband came clean to you out of remorse and regret
Your husband is willing to own his part of things and to seek help for himself personally and with you as a couple
Your husband is willing to be completely honest with answering all of your questions but doesn’t want to hurt you further by answering things you may not really want to know unless you are certain you do.
Your husband is willing to reach out to an accountability partner or pastor, etc… no matter the embarassment it might cause him.
Your husband is willing to or has already completely cut ties with the other person.
Signs you may wish to seek individual counseling for yourself:
Your husband still wants to keep connections on social media or text to the other person, saying they are “just friends.”
Your husband isn’t willing to seek help and has said that he is done with the marriage and wants one of you to move out/get divorced.
Your husband defends his actions, blames you, justifies his behavior, or continues to lie when you ask him about things.
When a husband is willing to take ownership for his wrongs, seek help and honesty, clear the air, and make positive changes, not expecting you to be okay right away but expecting you will need time for him to rebuild your trust in him, you have a lot of positive things to work with.
When a man is secretive, still justifying his wrong actions, lying, deceitful, blaming you, or stating he wants out or wants to keep connection with the other woman, you would be wise to proceed with caution. Either way, counseling can be beneficial to help sort through what is really taking place, what really needs to be addressed, and for getting you or you and your spouse the help that you both need to heal.
